But when EVERYONE I hang out with HAS a car they CAN use, and I'm STILL driver CONSTANTLY? It gets old. Fast.

People just don't even show up anymore.

What's the point?

It needs to change. I vow to change it in the Fall. I will use all my power. It's 2009! We need change! We can't just stay a clique anymore. We need recognition.

I'm tired of being the driver. Really. Fucking. Tired.

I'm glad I like...came up with an idea for small group tomorrow. Heh.

I need to study.

Watching sis tonight.

Tahoe 8/1-8/4, should be epic.

No more Canada : ( lame.

Six Flags 7/24.

Heh, summer will be much better when Psych's over.

I miss Adam.

Having a stagnant life in Christ at the moment, coupled with constant yelling and unnecessary actions from my mother.

She's not to blame. She treated me like a prince in Hong Kong, we only had one argument there. Only one. I promised her to clean my room when I got home, I told her I had good grades.

I basically just lied to her face straight through my teeth.

She then finally dropped the bomb on me today. "YOU CALL YOURSELF CHRISTIAN AND YOU LIED."

I can't handle this statement...this "call yourself Christian." I don't call myself Christian. I AM Christian.

She then said something about "this is why I don't ladida your religion blah blah!"

I say NOTHING of her bullshit "spirituality." You call yourself Buddhist mom? BULLSHIT. You don't believe ANYTHING that follows Buddhism. Nirvana, my ass.

Your dad is a feng shui master. If he wasn't your dad you wouldn't believe in it, if he wasn't your dad you wouldn't believe his "predictions." But I hold my tongue, out of respect for one's practices, no matter how blasphemous I think they are.

Basically, I fucked up, and it really hurt to hear this. It always does. She says to stop using Christianity as an excuse. I always tell her I'm not perfect, she says that's an excuse too. But aren't you using my Christianity as an excuse to justify my wrongdoings? Mom, you're the MASTER of assumptions and excuses, but once Dad or I use them, we're wrong, we're stupid, we're unfair. You are the ultimate selfish debator. Congratulations. 

Then later you always say "I'm doing this because I love you," yes, I know you do, but you can't SAY THAT! YOU CAN'T. It hurts more than you'll EVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND. It really hurts still. Right now. It's not helping anything.

When I met you in 1990, you said that you'd marry the man who'd follow you around the world. We were just sophomores in high school, so I didn't know what to think. I thought it was just some school girl romantic fantasy. All I knew was that you were the girl for me. We were only 15 years old, but I had this feeling that you'd play a major role in my life. After we graduated from Aragon High School in San Mateo, you revealed to me that you were accepted to Berkeley, but you wanted to go to Germany for college. Remember that night we spent ice skating at Fashion Island? You said that you loved me, but you had to cut off all ties with to be able to move on. That was the last time I ever saw you. I said I'd wait for you, but you told me not to and to just move on...but I remember what you said sophomore year. 

You were accepted at the University of T�bingen, Berlin. I left home for Berlin. For 4 years I looked for you. You made the impact you always did in Berlin. People heard of you, but didn't know where you were. Nobody helped me. I wasn't good enough for T�bingen, so I attended Technische Universit�t Berlin where I earned a degree. I am now fluent in German, a language I never intended to learn. After graduation, I returned to San Mateo thinking you returned as well. I called your mother on the summer after you graduated, she said you had left for grad school in Tokyo. I left again, this time, to Tokyo. Auf Wiedersehen.

Your father said you are studying business at Keio University in Tokyo. I looked all over Tokyo for you. From the morning rush at Shinjuku Station, to the last train on the Tozai-line bound for Nakano. You were never found. To make ends meet, I got a job at NOVA, then in 1998 I got a real job at DoCoMo. I fell in love with Japan and its culture. I learned the language, and I am now fluent. Another language I never intended to learn. I went to the graduate office at Keio University's school of business seeing if you were set to graduate. There you were, on the list. I was denied entry to the ceremony since I had no tie to anyone graduating. That was the closest I had ever come to seeing you since grad night back in high school. Two months after graduation, I resigned from DoCoMo. I recieved an email from your cousin (You know, Jerry's ex-girlfriend) saying you had gotten a job in Hong Kong. I left my friends, my job, my home, my fiance, and everything Tokyo gave me to search for you. I'm so sorry Mizuki. Kima wa itsumo kokoro no naka ni iru. 

It was 1999, and I had just arrived in Hong Kong, and so did you. Six months later, I found out you had left Hong Kong because you didn't enjoy your new job. From Causeway Bay to Kowloon, there were traces of you, but never the real entity. Your father told me you went to India for training for a tech company, then were to be set up in London. I don't know if I searched for you for no reason, but then again, my searches have always been fruitless. I went to Seoul to take up a lucrative job offer at one of LG's sister companies, Hiplaza, Inc. 

In late 1999, I had already been established in Korea. I worked for Hiplaza, then 3 years later, LG. For the first time, I was free of the feeling of having to look for you. I was in a place I knew you weren't It was like a dream. A world without you. The dream ended 3 months ago when I left LG. Now the curse of your existence has returned. An nyonghi jumuship siyo. 

I'm now back in San Mateo. I haven't been here in the bay area since 1996. All my high school friends are either married, dead, or gone without a trace. I have nobody here but my dysfuctional family. Your brother said last month that you're still in London and will return to the bay area permanently this summer. I chased you around the world for 12 years, learned 3 languages, made quite an amount of money, just to meet you in the town where it all began. Fashion ISland isn't even there anymore, but the ice skating rink is still there. 

I'm not German, I'm not Japanese, and I am not Korean, but I can say anything in those languages, but I can't say anything to bring you back. You made the biggest changes in my life without barely stepping foot into it. I don't know if I should thank you or hate you, but one thing I'm sure of, I miss you dearly. Your cousin told me what your brother couldn't bring himself to tell me. 3 hours ago I recieved an email saying the reason why you're coming back is because you want to have your wedding in San Francisco, and that it was your fiance's idea. 

Fuck you.